The Curious Case of the Nihilist Pharmacist


click for comic

This cartoon is supposed to be a parody of those wignut pharmacists who pop up in the news every couple of months by refusing to fill prescriptions for birth control. I got kind of caught up with trying to make logical arguments both for and against nihilism, so this week’s strip comes off as more pedantic than usual, which many scientists believed to be impossible. Hopefully my first use of the word “bullshit” in a comic takes some of the salty pang of pretentiousness out of this cartoon.

I already talked about why those who believe birth control is wrong are morons. Here’s a brief synopsis of that long-winded post:

A fertilized egg is not a person. At some point in the future, and if several favorable variables and conditions are met, it becomes a viable fetus. Something that may become something else in the future is not the same as what it might become, since there are many different possible outcomes for a fertilized egg. And if you’re willing to believe all fertilized eggs are people, which doesn’t make sense, your brain has to do all sorts of crazy shit to justify that nonsense, like believe in angels.

Thankfully, I live in that increasingly marginalized part of the country where pharmacists are required to have a certain level of common sense. However, there is an inverse correlation between Bible nuts and pretentious philosophy majors, and the northeast is clogged with them.

I am a cynical atheist who believes that man is more capable of evil than good, and even I realize Nihilism is bullshit. It’s a juvenile reaction to the notion that the universe is meaningless. Of course it’s meaningless, it’s 99.9999% empty space interspersed with a couple of rocks, one of which we know to be inhabited by a bunch of douchebags.

Just because the universe is meaningless, doesn’t mean existence is. Not to get all Tony Robbins on you, but existence is what you make of it. It’s all in your head, and has as much meaning as you apply to it. While people are certainly free to be Nihilists, that doesn’t prevent the rest of us from perceiving them as gigantic assholes.

Please Excuse My Channeling of Andy Rooney

Whoever is ordering those stupid ringtones, wallpapers, and screensavers for their cell phones from those Jamster commercials, please stop. While I’ve never actually seen or heard anyone who had these monstrosities, I have to assume someone’s getting them. Otherwise their commercials wouldn’t be assaulting my eyes and ears all the time.

There used to be a time when loud annoying douchebags could be loud and annoying on their own without technology’s help.

Lastly, the only socially acceptable ringtones when you take your phone out of the house are “Off” and “Vibrate,” anything else implies no one likes you and you crave the attention of random strangers.

Screw You and Your Temperate Climate

A couple of weeks ago I was bitching about how the local news hypes trivial snowfalls as “The Storm of the Century.” Words can’t do justice to the gigantic clusterfuck they’re all engaged in thanks to a bonafide blizzard.

Normally I wouldn’t be making a blog entry about the weather, on account of me not being a 68-year-old man, but this storm ruined my comedy nerd dreams. I was supposed to see Stella tonight. Thankfully, the show was postponed early in the day and I didn’t end up stuck in a snow drift on I-95.

Who knows when the make-up date will be. Showalter, Black, and Wain will probably spend most of the year working on their Comedy Central show.

Update: In case anyone got to this page searching for info, the make-up date is scheduled for Saturday, March 19. Although it’s nearly two months away, it’s entirely possible that the new date could also be affected by snow.

Science and Technology Forecast


click for comic

Just letting those of you who only read the blog know there’s a new cartoon this week. I don’t have the time to write much about it.

All I’ll say is that I don’t think homosexuals emit sinful particles. If anything, they emit a contagious exuberance for life. I’m merely pointing out that ideology factories like Bob Jones University aren’t real institutes of higher learning.

Next week I take off my nerd cap and put on a pretentious asshole beret.

Jocks, Dweebs, and a Moron

I’ll start with the moron. I’m taking a break from the news this week to avoid catching wind of the inauguration. It was during the first inauguration that I really began to loathe that man. I knew many of his supporters were dinks as soon as the factory made “Sore Loserman” signs started showing up in November 2000. But it wasn’t until his stammering, shaky hand in the air repetition of the oath of office that I realized the country was about to go racing down shit creek on a powerboat decorated with the stars and bars.

Before his presidency, I was blissfully ignorant. I was fat, drunk, and stupid, completely unaware of the horrors of the world, and it was awesome. His awful presidency has turned me into a petulant and self-righteous douchebag; someone who detests anyone who’d rather not be bothered to know what kind of shitty monsters are in charge. I detest them not only because they are fucking morons, but because I secretly envy their simple-minded glee.

To no one’s surprise, it turns out that willful ignorance might be better for your health. Now I have another reason to hate every moron on the street who can’t even name their representative in congress. (Mine is Stephen Lynch, an uninspiring turd who benefits from the 99% incumbency rate)

I don’t write about sports because I don’t know very much. I really only follow baseball. And I’m very myopic about that, only paying attention to Red Sox news and the AL East. But I do watch every Patriot game, and I must admit that yesterday’s game was very entertaining. However, I think some other teams and cities should get a chance to go to the Super Bowl, like the poor Jets of the championship-starved city of New York, for example.

I always write about dweeby delights. So here’s some more of that nerdly goodness. The past couple of weeks have seen an advertising blitz for the new (for the U.S. anyway) series, Battlestar Galactica. I thought the 2003 Sci-Fi miniseries was the best they’ve done, beating out their Dune remake. I’ve been watching the series thanks to the intarweb, and it’s worth checking out if you’re into that sort of thing.

I just don’t get why the British get to see the show legally 6 months before us. I believe the show itself is Canadian and this sort of anglo-favoritism is proof that the Queen and her Nazi grandchildren still hold some sway north-of-the-border. I know the same delays are in effect for American shows overseas, and I think that’s stupid as well. Nearly immediate DVD releases and the availability of shows online means it makes economic sense to release shows at the same time globally.

That’s all for now. I’m off to watch myself talk longingly into a mirror.

No Cartoon This Week

There’s no cartoon today, but I have posted something for you to look at on the current strip page. I’ll spoil the surprise and tell you that it’s random cartoons I drew when I was 12 or 13 years old. Oddly enough, the quality of the drawing is actually better than what I was doing in the early days of BFW.

Next week’s cartoon is most likely the nerdiest thing I’ve done in 2005. Make sure you familiarize yourself with string theory before next Friday.

A Potpourri of Random Tidbits

I saw this picture on Boston Dirt Dogs and immediately craved a bottle of Harpoon Commissioner Pale Ale. Pale Ales are my favorite, especially the ones tangentially related to the Red Sox. After some cursory Googling, it turns out that Gammons’ special brew will never touch my lips.

Update: I am clinically retarded. Although it’s the first time I’ve heard of it, this photo’s a year old. I’ve changed the tense of the next paragraph to disguise my dumbass-itude.

According to this article, there were just 160 bottles and they were only available last year to Friends of Harpoon who shelled out $100 to hang out with Peter Gammons. It was for the Jimmy Fund, which is a good cause, but not being rich or a kid with cancer means I didn’t get any. Harpoon should re-release it in place of another gimmicky variety.

One last baseball note, this post pretty much encapsulates my feelings towards the wave of pink-themed sports attire that’s sweeping the nation.

Words for the DNC

Stop calling me you motherfuckers. I gave you money in 2004, the same amount I make from this stupid cartoon in a month to be exact, because I really wanted Kerry to win. You can ask me for money again if you make Dean the chairman and there’s a tenfold increase in the amount of money I make. Until then, continue to suck on the sweet corrupt teat of corporate donations.

BFW News

There won’t be a cartoon this week. I had scanner trouble and didn’t get the new cartoon in on time. I could’ve busted my ass to get in done, but I needed a break anyway. I may post something quick in its place.

Nature’s Wrath


click for comic

I mentioned this comic last week and how I would’ve bumped it up in the queue if I made the Free Times deadline. It’s been less than two weeks since the tsunamis and this cartoon seems awfully dated.

It’s a reaction to the horrible coverage the local Boston news gave to the disaster in the first 48 hours. New England was having a minor snow storm the day of the tsunami (six inches of snow tops) and all the local news broadcasts had that snow storm as the lede. They had all the usual broadcast sensationalism, featuring several segments with reporters standing outside to prove that it was snowing, and man-on-the-street interviews with people who were suffering the unbearable tragedy of being delayed at Logan airport. The tsunami was only mentioned in passing in the “world news” segments.

Of course, this was due in large part to the magnitude of the disaster not being known at the time. But the local TV news is always shitty, not just during a disaster. Even as the reports started coming in, the local news coverage was embarrassingly lame, focusing on families from New England who just missed the storm or the plight of that fucking supermodel, as if she was somehow more important than 150,000+ ugly people. As an ugly person myself, I’d like to believe that’s not true.

In retrospect, I wouldn’t have done this cartoon. Instead, I would’ve ragged on the local news in a more light-hearted manner, without using the casual mention of the tsunami victims to illustrate their callousness.

Matt of Idiot Box did a cartoon (go to this page after Jan 10) dealing with the same issue this week. And he was much more effective at making his point.

2005: The Year of the Whale (or not)

Once again, I’ve failed to post anything useful here in between the comics updates. I wish it was because I was feverishly working on something awesome or that I’ve been too busy galavanting around the globe in a top hat. But the sad truth is that I am lame and spent the past week staring at a blank page like I was in need of a healthy dose of L-Dopa.

Luckily, this unproductive stretch seems to have come to end. Apparently my brain abhors being way ahead of deadlines and shut down just long enough to keep me on my toes. Damn you lazy brain!