Believe It Or Don’t!

Believe It Or Don't!
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I went way too long before putting together another one of these montage comics. The last one was over three months ago! They take the longest to write so I kept putting it off. Instead of writing a bunch of stupid jokes for one theme, I decided to lump in a bunch of discarded jokes that I had lying (laying?) around and disguise them all as a spoof of the long-running Ripley’s Believe It or Not! comic. I am like a Native American repurposing the remains of the majestic buffalo.

Before you put on your fancy pants and set out to dazzle your friends with all the facts you learned in this week’s comic, you should know that they are all lies. Rather than apologize for my disregard of the truth, I will briefly explain each panel to you, as if you were a simpleton.

The Republican cosmetic surgery panel stars that pudgy asshole Grover Norquist. I do not like Republicans. Hence the joke that they are mean and lack the ability to empathize with others, or if you are a sociology nerd ‘the other.’

I have no idea if koalas can love or not. I was inspired by this real Ripley’s comic which enthusiastically declared that elephants can’t jump. If we live in a universe that is cruel enough to deny a pachyderm the joy of catching some sweet air, surely it contains enough malevolence to condemn the adorable koala to a life of emotional solitude.

The scientist militia is a stab at those bastards in Arizona who think King Shit died and made them the protectors of our border. Fuck those people. If I was into self-abuse, I’d declare myself the boss of the Olive Garden and make sure their pasty-white asses couldn’t get to the salad bar (or bread stick island, or whatever the hell trough those fat pigs feed from.)

You won’t believe me, but the newborn defecation joke isn’t of the “Oh this cooler-than-thou douchebag hates kids” variety. I like kids. They laugh at my jokes, at least the ones that end with mouth farts. And I even wear the same size clothes as them! If there is any subtext to that panel (and I doubt it, it is just a shit joke after all) it’s that we as a society put a little too much hope in the potential of children. We can’t swear around them, they can’t see a titty on the TV, they can’t race camels anymore, the list goes on and on, and for what? Because it might ruin their future? I doubt it. 99.9% of babies will grow up to be shitheads no matter how nuturing an environment they grow up in. (This bad attitude, while off-putting now, will one day make me a lovable curmudgeon.)

Jimmy “The Nose” doesn’t make any sense. I needed seven jokes. And the same excuse pretty much goes for the appendix gag too. I can just imagine saying in a Seinfeld voice, “What’s the deal with the appendix. I mean, what does it do?” then punching myself in the ass out of shame.

Lastly, if you don’t know what a mohel is, you are an anti-semite.

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