Texas Textbook Excerpts


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Due to the economics of textbook publishing, a couple morons on the Texas Board of Education get to determine the contents of textbooks that are used in schools throughout the country. The entire horrifying process is documented in this NY Times Magazine article. It’s similar to how California’s emissions standards set the bar for all cars sold in the US, except Texas is lowering the bar, turning it into a retarded pole on the ground.

There is some hope at the end of the article, which says that one of the leaders of the dumbification movement, Don McLeroy (AKA Don “That Fuckin’ Dum-Dum” McLeroy), is facing a serious challenge from moderate Republican Thomas Ratliff. But who knows. In Texas, isn’t a moderate Republican someone who believes Jesus and Dinosaurs coexisted, but he never rode one?

The election of Scott Brown forces me to issue this disclaimer: Not all Texans are retards, but enough of ’em vote, just like here in good ol’ Massachusetts, the Bay State of Stupid.

While researching this cartoon, I discovered the “official” website for Footprints in the Sand. It’s INSANE. I’m not prone to giving out free ideas, but someone over there should contact Thomas Kinkade about painting some light coming out of some motherfucking Jesus-footprints.

ANNOYING PLUGS FROM A DESPERATE MAN: Please buy the Big Fat Whale book, Fun Stuff for Dum-Dums, and follow me on Twitter and Facebook.

Next Week: The Worst Ads on the Web

Space-Guys…

NASA being underfunded is a damn shame. The public is too dumb to find any value in the stuff they do, so their budgets get cut while the Pentagon gets to spend trillions on bombing people and boring-ass places on Earth. Near Earth Orbit will have to be turned into a NASCAR track before enough people give a shit.

And yeah, there are other worthy things the money being pissed away by the Defense Department can be spent on, but none of them produce spectacular wallpapers for my desktop.

UPDATE: Morning Edition on NPR covers NASA’s financial pickle.

History’s Greatest Recalls


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Thanks, Toyota, for letting me revisit a bit I did in 2007 when China was poisoning pet food and putting lead in baby toys.

I don’t have much to say about the actual Toyota recalls except that in addition to the acknowledged flaws, the Prius has major blindspot issues. I drove a rental once, and the fact that its’ blindspots remain year after year without complaint proves that environmentally conscious rich people don’t know how to drive. If you’re driving a normal car on the highway, give those hippies a wide berth, ’cause they can’t see you.

Some ladies (and dudes who only pee sitting down) might be unaware that those of us who are bewanged sometimes get to pee on bumblebees. It is AWESOME.

This is something called a nudge. It gets people to do things without bossy signage that would likely cause spite-pissing. In countries that participate in the dainty sport of soccersball, there’s a more interactive variant.

Next Week: Texas Textbook Excerpts

How to Celebrate Presidents’ Day


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Does it need the apostrophe? If grammar nerds can’t decide, I’m not even going to try.

Today is Lincoln’s actual birthday, and I encourage the creation of Potato Lincolns in his honor. I’ll post any photos you send in on Tuesday. But you probably shouldn’t throw them at anyone, unless they’re REALLY racist, like John Mayer’s wang.

Next Week: History’s Greatest Recalls

A Couple Clicks for Animals

My sister’s animal shelter, Animal Protection Center of Southeastern Massachusetts, is involved in a contest run by Petfinder, a name you might recognize from the fuzzy bones being chewed on at the Puppy Bowl. It takes just a few seconds, and you’d be helping them get some much-needed cash. Here’s how to help:

1.) Visit here every day to vote and to learn more. Search “Animal Protection Center of Southeastern MA” and click the “Vote Button”.
2.) Do this daily!
3.) Share this with your friends, family & colleagues asking them to do the same.

You can also donate directly to them here. And if you’re looking for a new pet and live near southeastern Massachusetts, adopt one of theirs!

Thanks for your help!

Big Fat Valentines


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Happy Week Before Valentine’s Day y’all! Here’s last year’s. And the one from the year before that. One day I’ll get around to printing and packaging all of these in a tidy little set. But I say the same thing every year and never follow through. Consider that annual empty promise my valentine to all of you.

If you’re still stumped on what to get your valentine, may I suggest a signed copy of the Big Fat Whale book, Fun Stuff for Dum-Dums? Comics last longer than flowers, and fart jokes don’t fatten asses like chocolate. And if you ain’t got nobody, buy my book instead of a drinking a fifth of whiskey and eating a pint of ice cream. Your liver and non-drunk-dialed-exes will thank you. Order by the end of Monday to get it in time. (International folks: Please celebrate Valentine’s Day on the 21st.)

Next Week: Celebrate Presidents Day

The Menstruating Ghost of Puncak

Netflix Watch Instantly, add this ASAP. I beg of you.

A NEW Indonesian horror movie about a menstruating ghost has the country’s clerics up in arms.

Hantu Puncak Datang Bulan The Menstruating Ghost of Puncak – opened in Jakarta today ahead of a planned national run.

I want Sam Raimi to direct the inevitable American version. Possible title: The Return of the Curse of the Creature’s Ghost’s Menses.

From Mr. Show’s third season