Obama’s Concession Stand


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2010 has finally come to a merciful end. Sure, Obama was able to squeeze out a few nuggets of legislative progress, but it left the bowl of our democracy covered in skidmarks, and I’m pretty sure he intentionally upper-decked the economy. I’d say 2011 will be better, but optimism is for the young and stupid. Nothing is going to get done until 2013, once the 2012 election circus ends.

But maybe Sarah Palin will take a shit out of a hotel window and we can all laugh again.

Next Week: More Mid-Season Replacements

2011 Headlines


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I’m driving out to Pennsylvania in a few minutes, and my internet situation could be spotty over the holidays, so I’m posting tomorrow’s cartoon today. It’s a Xmas miracle!

This cartoon has created a philosophical dilemma for me. I can’t decide if being molested by a monkey is worse or better than being groped by a human. The diaper seems to counteract the authority of the armband. This is what I’ll be thinking about as I slog westward on I-84 this afternoon.

Next Week: Obama’s Concession Stand

A Public Service Announcement

Are you also named Brian McFadden, or know someone who is?

If so, you might want to make sure you’re using the right email address. I hopped on the Gmail train early, and therefore don’t have any numbers or wacky shit in my address. I get dozens of emails for all these other Brian McFaddens (including this douche) every month. I ignore them, but felt guilty about it after mentioning it on Twitter this morning. (Thanks, Blake!)

Obviously, I’m not a fan of the religiousy parts of Xmas, but in the winter-solstice spirit, I feel like these two shouldn’t go ignored.

The first is presumably for some Brian McFadden who can either play the piano or lead singers by some other means. Mind control?

Dear Brian,
I learned today we have no piano player for the 4:15 Mass in the school hall on Christmas Eve.
Would you be interested in leading the singing?  The parish will pay $50 – the amount they would play the piano player.

If you are interested, please let me know.  I have another possibility so, please do not feel pressured.

Thank you so much,

Suzanne J****

I wouldn’t want a case of mistaken identity to cheat this song-and-dancin’ Brian McFadden out of the $50 he has coming to him. And in Brian McFadden solidarity, fuck that other possibility!

The second one is the latest from the man who’s been sending me emails for months under the impression that I am his son.

Brian
Santa detail this weekend, sign up at the firehouse.

This is kinda bossy. Seriously, not even a “please,” fake dad? But they might need a Santa for Toys for Tots or some other charity, and his real son might be a dick who’s worthy of such curtness. I don’t know.

Finally, to all those Brian McFaddens who deliberately put my email on mailing lists and shit, screw you guys. You’re why I don’t bother replying to the real fuck-ups.

Filthy Rich Facts


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The way I feel about rich people is very similar to how Arizonians feel about Mexicans. Except my loathing is justified. If the rich believed in sound economics, they’d be beatifying Eisenhower instead of Reagan. While no FDR, at least Ike knew progressive taxes were what kept the rabble spending and sustaining economic growth. Unfortunately, anyone proposing taxes like we had in the fifties is called a communist today, because people are fucking dumb and don’t remember yesterday, let alone stuff that happened sixty years ago.

This country’s fucked until poor people stop sniping at each other and start flinging shit at the rich. If you’re uncomfortable with that sort of action, at least crop-dust every fancy pants you pass on the street.

If you are rich, and one of the good ones, buy some of my stuff. I will personally inscribe whatever you buy with a “FUCK YOU, MONEYBAGS!” as a thank you.

Next Week: Xmas Gift Ideas