Hello Friends

No posts for a while. I’m busy catching up on that “The Wire” show y’all been talking about. Believe it or not, it’s making me nostalgic for Bawlmer. Or maybe freezing my ass off in New England is making the memories of drinking cold Natty Bohs while sitting on a hot, sweaty stoop seem more appealing than it really is. Also, the quiet popping of guns in the distance is way better than the “yeah dudes” from all my college douchebag neighbors.

Complaining About It Would Be Hacky

I have jury duty tomorrow. Luckily I’m in some kind of bizarre sleep pattern where I go to bed at 7pm and wake up at 3am, so the 8am time I’m supposed to show up won’t be a problem. That combined with some traveling and another project that needs to be finished in a matter of weeks will mean blogging will probably be light this week and next. I’m sure you will all miss the many wonderful ways in which I call various things douchebags.

While I’m handing out warnings, I can say on good authority that the cartoon after next will be one of those cliched alt-weekly comics that uses some sort of wacky premise to explain its half-assedness.

Phunny Photos

I’ve been noticing a lot people arriving here by searching for some variation of “Kerry embarrassing NASA picture.” As a public service to all of these people, here’s an entire collection of hilarious photo ops. Or should I say “photo oops?” Of course I shouldn’t. That’s retarded. (via August)

No Access Convention Blogging

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I was in the area and thought I’d swing by and see what was up, and if given the opportunity, punch Ann Coulter in the twat. (I considered taming it down to “stomach,” but “punch Ann Coulter in the stomach” just isn’t as funny.)

All the complaining about the convention wasn’t evident anywhere near the Fleet Center. Automobile traffic is always a bitch there, and since it was completely blocked off, pedestrian traffic was without constraints. And if the people of Boston weren’t grizzled and hateful, we could’ve all burst into song and dance on Canal Street and not interfered with anything.

I took a bunch of other pictures and indulged in a bit of self-important commentary. If you care to check it out, you can find it here.

Housekeeping

I’m a lying liar. This week’s strip wasn’t in the Dig. Sorry if I made you do any extra reading for nothing, especially if you’re dyslexic.

However, I finally got around to dropping off more copies of Erotic Scrimshaw at Million Year Picnic. Apparently they’re selling like hot cakes; stale hot cakes that sit on the shelf for a couple of weeks, but that’s still quick compared to a Twinkie’s shelf life.

My apologies to the DNC fundraiser I gave a couple bucks to at Harvard Square. I was flustered by all the LaRouche and Badnarik nutjobs and wanted to get out of there. I should’ve given you a sticker or something, but I instinctively sweat and run away at the sight of any attractive young Democrat.

Convention Coverage From The Past

Before I get into the bulk of the post, I’d like to mention that if you live in the Boston area or are attending the DNC circus, you can check out this week’s comic strip a few days early in Wednesday’s Weekly Dig. It might even be in spectacular Technicolor. I’m not sure. Hopefully someone important will see it and I will be showered with chocolates and rose petals for the rest of my life.

I don’t really have anything to add about the convention. I live in the suburbs and work from home, so the Boston Green Zone doesn’t affect me at all. I watched some of the C-SPAN coverage and thought the speeches were dandy. I didn’t watch any of the endless commentary following or during the speeches, because I have no use for the network newsreaders’ banal commentary and Tim Russert is a fatty and I hate him.

Instead, I opted to spend most of the night watching C-SPAN2’s programming of the past fifty years of convention nomination acceptance speeches. I realize this makes me a hopeless dweeb in the already pathetic world of people who follow politics. The only analogy I can think of is staying at home to watch Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (the one with the whales) on AMC, when an actual Star Trek convention is in town.

The best speech was Adlai Stevenson’s 1956 acceptance speech. It’s the one with this famous quote about the marketing of candidates:

The idea that you can merchandise candidates for high office like breakfast cereal – that you can gather votes like box tops – is, I think, the ultimate indignity to the democratic process.

I had no success in finding a complete transcript of this speech. The consensus seems to be that his 1952 acceptance speech is much better, but I saw both and don’t think so. If I knew it was going to be so hard to find online, I would’ve taken notes. There was a lot of stuff that’s relevant today. He railed against a lazy media and pointed out that the president at the time was just a figurehead, picked to be the pleasant face of a pretty shitty machine. (I’m paraphrasing.)

But history is written by the victors and Adlai Stevenson is pretty much just a footnote in Dwight Eisenhower’s presidency. This week’s Sunday Globe had an interesting article about the 1956 Democratic Convention, but the emphasis is on Kennedy’s failed bid for the VP spot on the ticket and barely mentions Stevenson.

I’m not saying Eisenhower sucked, just that Adlai’s speech was still relevant today. Especially since the White House is thinking of making more nukes for the first time since I was born, and Stevenson was an early advocate for scaling back the nuclear arms race.

Eisenhower’s acceptance speeches weren’t that great, but that’s probably only because I was familiar with his farewell address, in which he appears to have grown a backbone and famously warned against the rise of the military industrial complex:

In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together.

Too bad no one listened to him either.

There Was A Funny Post Here

I swear I had a pretty funny post going on here, but I had to squirrel it away into my comedy hump, which is commonly mistaken for plain-old back fat. In lieu of nothing at all between now and Friday’s comic commentary, here is some shameless self promotion:

There is a thread in the forum that mentions how you can support BFW without spending a single cent. As much as I love slaving away to give you free cartoons every week, I really do it with the hope that there will be a payoff at some point in the future. Either the comic getting picked up by more weeklies, or just me learning how to be a better comedy writer and using those skills for more respectable mediums, like writing fart jokes for the TV.

Underground Tape Railroad

I’m pretty out of touch when it comes to underground videos. If it wasn’t posted to Rotten or brought to some party by a pothead friend of a friend, I haven’t seen it. I was ecstatic when Christian Finnegan (from the teevee) mentioned this site that has clips from a lot of hilarious videos. Sadly, they’re just short clips and not really worth the bother.

However, here’s the entire Winnebago Man. It is worth the download time even if you exist in 1985 and are using a 300 baud modem on your Commodore 64.

Oh No! I just did a search and it appears Baltimore Cable Access’ own Christian Ferriswheel no longer has a website. I was going to send you all to his page in the hopes that you would think I was cool. Underdog Lady will have to do.

Gay Marriage Amendment And The Ban on Funny

I watched some of the senate debate even after everyone knew the Republicans would be short on votes. Virginia’s John Warner was babbling for a while about the pledge of allegiance and then went on to claim states could do whatever they wanted even if the thing passed. Pretty stupid stuff.

Know what else is stupid? Calling it the Hate amendment. Sure it’s a bigoted and mean-spirited attempt to marginalize homosexuals, but giving it a snarky name is almost just as dumb. Giving bills heavy handed nicknames should be reserved for the assholes who came up with the phrases “Death Tax” and “Partial Birth Abortions.”

We’ve all noticed an increase in stridency from the left. And rightly so, Bush is a fantastic asshole who deserves to suck on the shitstained phallus of Satan for all eternity. But stridency without humor is why self-righteous douchebags on both the left and right die alone.

Trying to make a political point with crappy humor is almost just as off-putting. Whoopi Goldberg made innuendo jokes about Bush’s name at some Kerry benefit. The Republicans are demanding an apology, but Whoopi should really be apologizing to the abstract concept of comedy as a whole for being such a hack.

I know I’m guilty of it too, especially here in the blog where anything remotely funny gets cut for future use in a comic or other pet projects. But if I ever get to the point where an entire month goes by with me just illustrating my political opinions and not presenting them in a humorous way, please shoot me in the face and then take a shit in my new face hole.

This rambling post is due in part to the liberal burnout mentioned in last week’s Onion and the fact that I can no longer listen to the Majority Report while working on cartoons. Janeane Garofalo and Sam Seder are both comics, I don’t see why they can’t express their outrage with jokes instead of yelling. Al Franken and Marc Maron have both managed to make points without becoming shrill, and the Daily Show has been doing it for years. Even Fatty Boombalatty manages to squeeze in a few racist song parodies in between tirades. Now I have to get up off my ass and change the CD every hour like I’m some kind of athlete.