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July 12, 2004
60 Minutes Is Lame

I was going to complain about Lesley Stahl’s crappy interview with the Johns last night, but Dan Kennedy pretty much sums up what I was going to say. Although he doesn’t bring up Lesley’s ridiculous, “Hey look at Theresa and Kerry’s hands! They sure are fidgetty!” observation. That was some hard hitting stuff.

While I may have said 60 Minutes is lame, it is still the only network newsmagazine show that doesn’t reek of sensationalism. I fucking hate all the Laci Peterson coverage. She is not news. According to actual journalism, homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women. That’s the real story. So kudos to 60 Minutes for not jumping on the Laci bandwagon. But being at the top of turd mountain doesn’t make you smell any better.

Big Fat Zeitgeist – Government Waste Edition

Rather than give you another collection of hilarious porn related search strings that lead people here, I have decided to perform a public service. These are the number of IP addresses from government agencies that have accessed this website so far this month. I haven’t looked into how many people work for each department, so for all I know, the percentage of people dicking around at the General Accounting Office could be equal to that of our Post Office friends.
Only United States federal government departments are listed. Links go to their websites, if you don’t know what the abbreviations stand for.

Dot Gov IPs
13 USPS
3 IRS
3 DOD
2 DOJ
2 NASA
2 USDA
1 EPA
1 USGS
1 FDA
1 FAA
1 FCC
1 GAO
1 House
1 SSA
1 TVA
1 BOP
1 NARA
1 DFAS
1 Customs

Military
21 Navy
13 Air Force
11 USMC
8 Army
2 USCG

Conclusions:
The men and women of the United States Military are awesome. Thanks for reading my cartoons. I should point out that the military numbers also include civilians working for the military, particularly the Navy. The NSWC (A shout out to anyone who had to fix my shitty ass robot) and NUWC make up about half of its numbers.

Technically, DFAS is also dot mil, but they are just payroll and aren’t busy getting shot at. The USDA guys who inspect cows’ bums have more dangerous work.

While I appreciate the Postal Service readers, I am also someone who spends a lot of time at the Post Office and I don’t like discovering why only one counter out of 7 is open.

BFW’s audience is not nearly as dorky as I am, which I imagine would be scientifically impossible. In my delusions of grandeur, I was picturing NASA scientists eagerly huddled around a lab computer first thing Friday morning to check out the newest comic strip. Well screw you NASA, and USGS, have fun making maps you motherfuckers.

Once all the kids get back to school, I will feature the first BFW Zeitgeist college rankings. They will probably be kind of like the party school rankings, except in reverse.

July 10, 2004
The Wisdom of Dickie Pilager

Now, I’m no tourism expert, but I would bet my bottom dollar that no one wakes up in the morning and turns to their husband or wife or non-homosexual partner and says “Honey, let’s go on a trip to Maryland!”

Dickie Pilager is running for governor of Colorado this year, at least in the movie, Silver City. It’s scheduled to open this fall.

I don’t know how much of the film revolves around Dickie’s campaign, but the fake campaign website is incredibly detailed and hilarious. If the campaign is the focus of the film, it could be similar to Bob Roberts, a movie you should rent instead of watching the conventions. Oh wait, you’re not me and probably weren’t going to watch C-SPAN’s hot convention coverage anyway. (via: I browse with Gusto, damn! you bet)

July 9, 2004
The Big Fat Sea Shanty


I feel bad for giving you a rerun, when it would’ve made more sense to do that over the holiday weekend. As slight compensation, I offer you a glimpse into the sad and bleak universe my cartoons and blog postings are created in.

This was taken on the crappy setting of my camera because I forgot to reset it after fiddling with it. Those blobs of light aren’t ghosts.

The fishnet photo album is my own design. If you see it on some show like Trading Spaces, let me know. I deserve a cut. Friends with low self esteem can look for pictures of themselves and nosy people can try to figure out what I look like, but I think the resolution is too low.

I won’t make a “this how the comic strip is made” post, but pretty much every step is in there. From the dream journal I write my jokes in, the pens and ink, and all the computer stuff. All it needs is a picture of me pulling my hair out. That’s not going to happen because my self-inflicted haircut is very embarrassing.

Fenway Fun Page

link will rot in 7 days
Click for entire comic

This is a classic BFW from April 2003, but it’s not because I took the week off. The proof is in this post. Besides being an obscure webcomic, Big Fat Whale is also an obscure alt-weekly comic and runs in The Cleveland Free Times. They were unable to run the cartoon this week, so I’ll post it next Friday. Although lame for those of you who’ve seen this cartoon before, I now have a better shot at getting a couple of comics in the can so I can go outside and become less translucent before summer ends.

I was debating whether or not to post this cartoon, considering the Red Sox have sucked ass this season, making me reconsider my other Red Sox comic, Maybe Grady Wasn’t So Bad. But they just swept the A’s and I am back on the bandwagon.

Don’t get the wrong idea about this cartoon or post. Just because we follow the same baseball team doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re retarded. I’m talking to you shirtless bleacher meatheads who chant “Yankees Suck!” when the Orioles are in town. You sirs, are fantastic morons that have made the sound of the Boston accent the universal symbol for douchebag. That and fat ladies named Pam who name their daughters “Marcy.” If your accent prevents you from pronouncing a crucial syllable of your child’s name, pick something else. Or at the very least, please refrain from screaming it in the supermarket.

I won’t go into the tragic details of this cartoon. I will say every name except “Fiascos” on those jerseys were previous names for the Red Sox. I made sure not to include the previous names of the Braves, which were the Beaneaters and Red Stockings, because baseball nerds are as bad, if not worse, than Star Trek nerds. And I am both.

My opinion may be skewed by my not being a moron, but I think Red Sox Fans’ obsession with the Yankees is finally waning. The rivalry has become the sports equivalent of “white people dance like this, black people dance like that.” Also, Yankees fans collectively booed Cheney. And as the lion said to the bear who shat in the woods: The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

For better and more current cartoons about the Red Sox, check out Soxaholix, it’s as awesome as Get Your War On, except about a baseball team instead of the news. I’ll let you decide which is the more depressing topic.

July 8, 2004
People Who Hate People

I’ve heard nothing but praise for the late great Bill Hicks, but I never got around to catching any of his stuff. I was still in braces when he died, so I hope I can be excused for my ignorance.

I finally picked up one of his albums, Rant in E-Minor, this week and was amazed. If you like my cranky worldview and dick jokes, he’s your man. His hatred of Jay Leno makes me look like I’m in love with that smug unfunny asshole. The material is over a decade old, but thanks to Bush Family nepotism and their obsession with Iraq, it’s still relevant today.

A couple months ago, some folks on his message board linked to one of my Hack Comic Slayer comics. That was very cool of them.

This post is mostly for the benefit of people my age and younger, who only know the comics that appear on the teevee or get a loving REM ballad written about them. If you’re older, you should already be familiar with his work. If not, you are one dumb motherfucker.

July 6, 2004
Confessions of a Magnificent Asshole

My misanthropic tendencies have been well documented throughout this site. But I doubt any of you would imagine that I’m such an asshole that I’d ignore an entire television series simply because it was popular and critically acclaimed.

I’m sorry Brian Boosters, but I’ve avoided the West Wing since its inception in 1999, one year before I could legally drink booze, simply because random strangers said it was a good show. What a fucking asshole I am.

Thanks to Bravo’s government mandated three hours of stuff that isn’t fabulous, I’ve caught several episodes of the West Wing. And what do you know, it’s an entertaining show. I’ve only seen the episodes leading up to Bartlet’s reelection. So the episodes I remember being advertised with Walter assuming the presidency have yet to taint my opinion.

Finally, everyone with a blog has weighed in on Kerry’s choice for VP. I can’t imagine anyone besides myself and my one crazy stalker dude in Bozeman, Montana cares, but I like Edwards as VP. Republicans have been crying “Class War!” every time someone mentions any of the financial inequalities that exist in our society. Edwards should be able to bring the subject back into the political debate and counteract a lot of this culture war bullshit.

I’m really not a communist, as someone who hates almost everyone, I can hardly be pegged as a populist, but the lower classes need to have the bare essentials taken care of before they can buy all the stupid shit that makes Republicans rich. It’s in the Republican’s best interest to have a stable lower class. I’m just trying to help them, because I secretly love reactionary assholes who are unable to grasp complex issues.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! ABC NIGHTLINE SUCKS ASS BALLS! This is an update to a post in progress as I’m watching Nightline. They’re already trying to construct a rift between Kerry and Edwards. Listen up fuckwads, they were running against each other, obviously they would’ve had to distance themselves in public, otherwise, they would’ve come off as a pair of circle-jerking hump bunnies. Even if you choose to forget Florida was a sham that disenfranchised African Americans, don’t forget that Cheney picked himself, like the fat kid who picked himself as dodgeball captain in gym class.

Kerry/Edwards is also good because Edwards isn’t immediately thought off as the smart one. Remember when all those media harpies were saying how awesome it was Bush was surrounding himself with people who knew what was going on? I am not even old and I remember when the President was supposed to be the smart one.

Asshole Out.

FYI: A Nib Is A Pen Point

It’s safe to say I’m a pretty crappy cartoonist. At least as far as my drawing ability goes. I like to entertain the delusion that my writing makes up for that. I do all my drawing and lettering with the same size nib, which is very lame of me. It’s like I’m a stripper who uses just one dildo in her act.

Last night, my trusty nib committed suicide, afraid to face another one of my squiggly excuses for a straight line. They go months before crapping out on me, so I don’t really keep tabs on what I have lying around. That was my last one and there’s not a single 24 hour convenience store that sells any kind of nibs, let alone the particular one my picky ass needs.

So I had to suck it up and make half of this week’s cartoon using fine point markers. It took forever, but you should only notice a difference in the lettering in a few of the panels. In fact, I think only three people would’ve noticed if I didn’t say anything.

I live out in the suburbs and I usually pick up supplies at an Arts and Crafts store that specializes in stupid crafty shit for bored housewives. Their nib selection is weak and in order to get the one I need, I had to buy a $7 kit full of crap I’d never use, for just one $1 tiny piece of metal. That’s crap.

My question to the 0.04% of you who know such things, is there an art supply store in the Boston area where can I get a box of Hunt 108 nibs cheaper than they’re going for on this website? I’m going to pick up the new Eightball this week, so I’ll be in the civilized part of Greater Boston where the decently stocked art supply stores are more likely to exist.

For reasons that will become obvious when the cartoon is posted, Dr. Fad is at least partially culpable for the untimely demise of my precious darling nib.

July 4, 2004
Happy Fourth

I hope your holiday went swell, if you’re an American, otherwise, happy Sunday to all you for’ners. I spent the day locked up, trying to transform an unfunny Ashlee Simpson joke into a bonafide political comic strip even Ben Franklin would enjoy.

At any rate, I hope you didn’t experience any Fourth of July irony like these guys did:

Two Bush opponents, taken out of the crowd in restraints by police, said they were told they couldn’t be there because they were wearing shirts that said they opposed the president. Link (via Eschaton)

I’ve said it a million times before, Free Speech Zones suck balls. I know it only affects hippies and fourteen-year-old anarchists, but it’s the principle behind it. The ACLU’s been on it for years, but why important shit like this gets infinitely less coverage than the dopey Pledge of Allegiance controversy is a mystery wrapped in a quilt made out of dumb people.

June 30, 2004
Yet Another Post About Fahrenheit 9/11

Frequent readers of the comic strip or even just the blog will realize that I’m not a big fan of society. At least on the macro level. Individually, I can talk to and get along with random strangers, even the fat ones. It’s just that in large groups, people sicken me.

In this completely warped spirit, I went to see Fahrenheit 9/11 at noon on a Tuesday in a suburb thirteen miles south of Boston. It was this same strategy that allowed me to see The Matrix without having to roll my eyes at all the wannabe philosophy majors.

I assumed I’d have the Tuesday afternoon matinee pretty much to myself, but it was packed. Not just with seniors, but with all kinds of unemployed people. I can’t imagine people would take a day off from work to see a movie just a couple of days before the holiday weekend. Nervous teens, scared of separating their super squad into twos and threes, were hovering on the stairs desperately looking for twelve seats in a row, and sad old ladies had resigned themselves to sitting in that useless front row.

This is purely speculative, but given the interest in this film I personally witnessed, I suspect John Kerry will definitely win Massachusetts in November. The crowd seemed into the movie and even clapped at the end, one of my many pet peeves. Do they clap at the end of Now with Bill Moyers too? Thems moving pictures ain’t actors and don’t care if you clap or not.

Now on to the film itself. It’s blatantly obvious by reading about half of my cartoons or any blog post, but just in case this is your first time here, I believe George W. Bush is the worst President ever. I say ‘believe’ because forty percent of the country still refuses to accept this. But rest assured, ten years from now, Family Ties 2014 will feature a son who worships Dubya, and even sitcom watching mouth breathers will think it’s hilarious.

I agreed with the tone of the film, which I believe to be: “George W. Bush is an asshole who doesn’t give a shit about you so stop voting for him you fucking idiots!” And most of the information provided was old news to me, a sad nerd who reads too many newspapers. But the film was a muddled mess. Bush sucks so much that it’s impossible to cover all the reasons why he blows in two hours and make a cohesive documentary.

The film had basically the same structure as the bumper of an aging hippy’s Volvo. It jumped from point to point (all indisputable facts BTW) but didn’t go into much detail with any of them. I liked a lot of the vignettes, but as a whole it just seemed like a primer for people who haven’t been paying attention, not fine cinema worthy of the Palm d’Or.

I think the film’s box office success is because people know corporate American media has gone way too easy on this asshole. They crave anything that smells like actual investigative journalism. My favorite part of Fahrenheit 9/11 was when it focused on the media’s cheerleading in the run-up to war, but that was about five minutes.

Don’t get me wrong, I think everyone should see this movie, especially people who only get their news from the TV. But to call it the best film of the year isn’t really being honest. It’s more like a 21st century newsreel, or one of those CD compilations called, “NOW That’s What I Call A Shitty Presidency!”

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