D.N.C. Swag Bag

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There’s a thing going on in Charlotte, NC. I like some of the speeches. Clinton’s and Elizabeth Warren’s especially. But speeches are what people say to get elected. Of course they’re not gonna mention NDAA, Gitmo, drone strikes and a bunch of other crap this week. But that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

If you’re in DC, I’ll be there with a bunch of my cartoonist pals for #$&%! Cartoons next week at George Washington University. Events are open to the public, and I’ll be giving a little talk at the Saturday event. Make sure to to get tickets ahead of time.

I’m hoping I’ll have some free time to escape talking about politics and visit the Air and Space Museum again.

The Endangered Moderate Republican

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Olympia Snowe called it quits last week, citing the insane partisanship that’s crippled our government for, oh, let’s say forever. She and most in the commentary class have claimed that it’s due to equal amounts of stubbornness on both sides of the aisle. They are fucking wrong, or lying.

The GOP has always tried to court their dumb base by dangling a few racist, sexist, homophobic and xenophobic carrots while they quietly worked to enact their corporatist agenda. Now the dum-dums are fully in charge, dragging the party so far to the right that we’re ARGUING ABOUT CONTRACEPTION IN TWENTY-FUCKING-TWELVE!

The Democrats have been centrists for my entire life. Spooked by 1968 and Jimmy Carter’s one-term presidency, the party can’t even be seen with an actual self-identified liberal or progressive, let alone let them influence their agenda. Clinton was a centrist Democrat, and if you ignore his lofty speeches, and look only at what he’s accomplished, Obama governs like a moderate Republican.

Or at least what once was considered a moderate Republican before the Know-Nothing Renaissance. The shifting of the GOP towards the far right has caused the entire national dialogue to shift along with it. It’s a game of tug-o-war, and while the GOP and the Tea Party are pulling in the same direction, the Democrats won’t let the far left help. So the end result is weak-ass Democrats just trying to maintain the status quo as Republicans tug us back into the 19th century.

Potential SOPA/PIPA Revisions

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Since SOPA and PIPA were shelved following last Wednesday’s blackouts, this comic is kind of late to the discussion, but the bills’ backers will attempt to trot out a revised version sooner rather than later. I also wanted to draw Chris Dodd’s man-boobs. You’ll notice that since this was for the New York Times, I avoided coloring his nipples and going crazy with veins and hair. Because I am RESPONSIBLE.

Anyone who thinks it’s just Republicans who cravenly do their donors’ bidding should have been enlightened by who continued to support these bills following the widespread online opposition. Sure, supporting Hollywood’s mad grab for extending copyright privileges isn’t as bad destroying the economy, environment, and everything else, but it’s still shitty.

As for reducing (you can never stop it) online piracy, the solution’s simple: Price your shit fairly, and make it easy to use. I pay $8 a month to both Hulu and Netflix instead of a pricey cable package, and that keeps me pretty much up-to-date with pop culture. As for sports, that’s why bars were invented. Paying more than $10 a month for any content-related thing is obscene. It generally costs $30-$50 to get internet access, so if you think your one thing is worth more than a third of the Internet, you have seriously overvalued your product. And yes, that also applies to a certain newspaper with a soft paywall.

So Long, Teddy

Ted Kennedy

Contrary to the message of the cartoon this image was taken from, Ted Kennedy was one of the few Democrats on Capitol Hill who showed a spine and called out the Iraq debacle for what it was/is. Although I think he didn’t do enough to end the war, I included him in this cartoon because an Irish guy with a farmer tan is always funny. (Just ask anyone who saw me on the beach last weekend.)

Obviously, Ted wasn’t all roses. I think he could’ve done more to call out his weak-ass colleagues instead of focusing his ire entirely on Bush and Republicans. His opposition to Cape Wind reeked of NIMBYism, and I mocked him for  it. I also made a hacky joke about his alcoholism that referred to it, but I don’t stand by that one. It was cheap.

Lastly, STEPHEN LYNCH SHOULD NOT TAKE TED’S SEAT! I grew up in that guy’s district, and he’s a pandering, weak-shit, turd. It belongs to a true-blue Massachusetts Liberal. What other state can elect a Senator to counter a cracker from the South? Come on Massachusetts! Let’s not pull a Wellstone and send our version of Norm Coleman to DC.

Secretly Replacing Harry Reid

Secretly Replacing Harry Reid
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I don’t know who Harry Reid blew to become the Senate Majority Leader, but he must be a fantastic fellator; especially if his BJs are as toothless as his leadership skills.

The millions of dollars given to the Blue Dogs by the health insurance industry should be given to the American people instead. In crisp singles. Then we can use them to apply paper cuts to the nipples and dicks of every politician who is stopping real health care reform (not this health insurance, half-ass bullshit-reform) from happening. They’ll be in pain, but they’ll be fine. Unlike millions of other people, they actually have decent, government-run health insurance.

But the Dems’ shitty meakness and ineffectiveness have got nothing on House and Senate Republicans, who take great pride in being awful. If some pharmaceutical lobbyist gave them a free lunch and said cancer kids’ bald heads could be ground up and turned into boner cream, they’d be blabbing away at how great Merck is for getting their withered, gray, cocks hard and creating jobs at the Cancer Kid Abattoir.

For more about these Blue Dog turds, check out Matt’s cartoon.

Boston area: 3 weeks until beer, jokes, and books. Now with 100% more cartoonists!

Next Week: Alternative Birth Control